Don't get me wrong...I had a wonderful time but I have to admit...I'm disappointed in myself for having felt so apprehensive the whole time I was there. I've been trying for days to reason it out in my head. The unease I felt...bothers me. Gone are the days of my youth, when I feared nothing. Left in it's place is...trepidation. When did this happen? I'm the girl (9 or 10 at the time) who took a kick in the ass from the school bully so he wouldn't hurt my little brother. I'm the girl who wheeled around and body slammed, to the ground, the girl who called my bestfriend a bitch. And I'm the girl who convinced her husband of two years to take the management job over 500 miles away from our hometown, friends, and family. I mean...I was adventurous and spunky in my youth so what is the big deal now? Why such a chicken-shit all of a sudden?
I suppose I could try to blame it on the "times". I could cite statistics on how crime rates have sky-rocketed since I was a child. I could point out that the media engenders a sense of death lurking around every corner since the news is filled with tales of horror. Maybe the "times" do have a little to do with the apprehension I felt but...no...I think it goes deeper than that. It goes all the way into my psyche. So, even though I could occasionally be a bad ass...I really always was a passivist deep down inside. When I took that kick, I hoped the bully would be satisfied and forget all about me and my little brother. When I fought my bestfriend's verbal abuser, I cringed that all eyes were on me. And when I convinced my husband to pursue his dream...I faded into the background. It was my way. And now, I find myself...still fainthearted...and I don't like it. I need to let the "bad ass" out more!
